As a child I used to have terrible nightmares. The kind where I was being attacked by demons, ghosts, murderers, or even tornadoes. The odd thing is my parents never let me watch or read things which would scare me, so the nightmares had to be coming from my own imagination.
Some of these terrors would repeat themselves. For weeks at a time, each night I’d find myself at the start of a specific storyline and I would know what was going to happen next because I had “lived” it before. This was its own special kind of torment.
At one point, around the third grade, I became determined simply to never sleep again. I vividly remember sitting at my kitchen table with my parents, long past my bedtime, playing board games with them as they patiently waited for my need for sleep to take over. I was so tired I remember feeling nauseous and so very very grouchy. Sure enough I ended up dozing off at the table with Uno cards still in hand.
Since sleep couldn’t be avoided, I turned instead to God and the Bible. I had a little pink New Testament with Psalms and Proverbs which was gifted to me by my parents one Easter, and I used it to memorize Psalm 23.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”
- Psalm 23 (KJV)
These verses became my mantra. I repeated them over and over in the waking hours to ward off any bit of fear or anxiety which came my way. The words became so embedded in my mind and the habit of turning to them had become so integral to my being, that eventually “dream me” began repeating them in my nightmares as well.
Now, instead of running from the serial killers, I would repeat, “The Lord is my shepherd…I will fear no evil: for thou art with me…” and I would pick up a weapon and fight back.
Instead of curling up in fear of the demons, I would repeat, “The Lord is my shepherd…Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” and I would stand up and face the evil spirits head on by calling on the name of Jesus to command them to leave.
The darkness was no longer in charge. I was a child of God and I was determined to believe that He would protect me–and, of course, He did.
The nightmares kept coming, (and they still happen) but I stopped fearing sleep. Dream me became a battle hardened warrior–still shaky, and sometimes still terrified, but always pushing forward with the kind of confidence that could only come from having the God of the universe by my side.
This may all seem silly, they are “only dreams” after all. But, when I was in them they felt as real as life itself. And, the lesson I learned from them is real. In these dreams I learned “through experience” that there is nowhere I can go where God is not with me–shepherding me. Even when I leave reality behind and face off with the deep recesses of my dark imagination–when my soul is trapped in whatever devilish scenario my physical human brain cooks up–God is still there, by my side. I need only to call on His name.
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”. - Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)
This series of blog posts titled, “Holding on to Reason”, is named after Amanda’s favorite C.S. Lewis quote: “Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.”