Tyson Lambertson
We've been discussing this idea of conflict, and we know that conflict is healthy but conflict also can create some problems. So we want to look at a biblical view of what it takes to manage healthy conflict and walk through conflict, because so often I know that I haven't dealt well with conflict. So let's look at what the Bible says about conflict.
John Mulholland
Yeah, so this is a Ephesians 4:25-32. "So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth for we are all parts of the same body and don't let sin and don't sin by letting anger control you. Don't let the sun go down while you were still angry for anger gives a foothold to the devil. If you're a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say, be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. And do not bring sorrow to God's holy spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of you will behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you."
Tyson Lambertson
So conflict is something that we all deal with as individuals, as human beings, and conflict can be healthy, but it can also be very, very divisive. And that's what Satan wants - he wants to create conflict that separates relationships. Why do we struggle with it so bad? Why do we not handle conflict well?
John Mulholland
I think the primary reason is that we don't know what good healthy conflict looks like. I don't know how any of you guys grew up in your homes, but I did not really see conflict modeled well by my parents. I saw arguing, I saw those kinds of things taking place. So I did not have a model for how husbands and wives were supposed to talk to one another, or any kind of healthy model of conflict. I just didn't see that when I was growing up.
Jon Simpson
Yeah, I think that plays into it. One of the things that I have seen and had to work through is that we all have things that we tell ourselves, sort of storylines that we live by. And one of them is that I've kind of uncovered in my life was the idea that conflict is bad. So if you believe that it comes from somewhere, like you said, either the way we were raised, or maybe it was getting into fights in junior high, or a conflict that would lead to a physical altercation, right? So somewhere in there is, I don't want to say a fear, but a belief that it's not going to go somewhere good. And so that can make us avoid it, or it can make us overreact and say, "I've gotta win every one of these". Whatever it is, I think some of it is just the belief that conflict equals destruction in some way. And we have reason to believe that, I've certainly seen that, but that's not what we see in the scriptures. I think it's one of those examples where we have to believe a different storyline. You know, we have to believe God's storyline.
Tyson Lambertson
And I think some of this comes to personalities as well. For me, my harmony button is as string finder of mine. I love harmony. And so when there's conflict, there's times when I will just do everything to avoid it and just hope that it goes away understanding that it's not going to go away, but wanting it to go away. And there's this tension of moving and not having a good model of saying, "How do you deal with conflict in a healthy way?" Because our natural tendency is to slander, to get people on our side, to get the coup, so to speak, and get them together so that we can, we can push our own agenda. And yeah, my conflict is better than my ways better than your way. And so conflict is, is part of our sinful nature. We need to learn how to deal with that better, what do you think Kiley?
Kiley Callaway
That's what I was going to say. As far as different personalities, some retreat, some want to just rile it up, some just want to talk it out. And I think with different personalities, it may sound like they're arguing but really they're just verbalizing their internal emotions and want to talk it out with you when some will receive that. Especially for me, like if I'm in something, I want to talk it out, I want to just vomit my emotions out there. And even in that, sometimes they think that maybe it's against them or it's meant to be hurtful towards them, when I'm just trying to share my heart and hash out what's going on inside of me so that the other person can understand where I'm coming from. Definitely the core is sin mixed in with our different personalities, and then peppered in there with how we were raised. So I think it's all of that - just kind of a crazy mixture of why we can't handle it.
Tyson Lambertson
Yeah. And I think 2 Timothy 2:24ish, dealing with false teachers, it says "Be gracious, be gentle, be kind." And that is so hard to do because usually in conflict somebody is being attacked, or the past comes up, or the age-old argument comes roaring back. And the main thing that you were in conflict about now is compiled with past hurts. So navigating conflict is not easy, and then as Christians we're called to deal with it in a biblical manner. And I think we see that in Matthew 18.
John Mulholland
And before we switch to that, you talked about things that have happened in the past. A lot of that is just unresolved issues. And I think we talked about that one of the very first series that we did for Ask The Pastor - whatever happened in the past among the churches in Scottsbluff, there's a pretty good chance that no one actually knows whatever that thing was that happened thirty, forty, fifty plus years ago between our churches or between the ways we believe, or doctrinal distinctives. By this point in history, all our people know is "I'm not supposed to like those Northfield people", or "I don't know what The Rock Church did fifteen or twenty years ago to deserve the break in their relationship. But I just know that when I hear The Rock, or I hear Mitchell Berean, or I hear Northfield, or you guys hear Westway, I just know that they're my enemy. And I couldn't tell you why I think that way. I know that I've held onto that even in my relationship with my wife, you know, when we bring up things that happened 15 years ago, because that was never actually resolved.
Tyson Lambertson
I think it does present some emotional baggage and some emotional underlying issues in us. I also think there's a cultural dynamic that we have to deal with in our own area, in that Scottsbluff was founded by Hiram Scott who was abandoned by his friends. And so this idea of abandonment comes in, where they're just like "We're not going to deal with the conflict. We're just going to leave it alone and walk away." I think there's some spiritual and cultural undertones that we deal with day in and day out that play into it. So it's not only relational, not only emotional, there's probably some culture there too.
Jon Simpson
I think one of the things that Berean Fellowship has looked at is family of origin issues related to how we handle things, because there are connections that we're not always aware of that play into things. What we're talking about here is kind of a generational thing or something that's sort of in the DNA or fabric of our culture, which I believe is real. And then I think our families have those kinds of things that get passed on. And sometimes that can be great stuff to our advantage, but there are issues in there that can also be a disadvantage to successfully navigating what we're supposed to do. We can have a tendency to handle things differently than, than what God says to do. I think it's good to understand ourselves and our region and our community, so as we attack this we have an adult view of it, an educated view of it. But to me, honestly, it comes down to, "What does God say we're supposed to do?" We were pulled out of a lifestyle that was pagan and godless and self-directed. And Paul is talking to the Ephesians about that, he starts off in Ephesians 4. "As a prisoner for the Lord, then I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you've received." He's going, "Guys, I'm pleading with you. You've been saved. You been redeemed, you're different people, you belong to Jesus. So live a life worthy of that." And I think there's areas of our life, and conflict's just one of them, where we have to kind of look in the mirror say, "Am I living a life worthy of the calling I received? Or am I living the way I want to?"
Tyson Lambertson
Yeah. And I think you're in that process of looking at the call. We know that God tells us to love him and to love our neighbors as ourselves. And sometimes we don't do that well, so there's unhealthy conflict, there's healthy conflict, and then there's church conflict that we all have to deal with and navigate. So Kylie, what's your thoughts on the conflict genealogy or the conflict direction? This is something that you've studied and understand.
Kiley Callaway
I don't know if I've studied it in the depth that you're saying, but I like what everybody's saying. I think what we're finding in the church, what we're finding in America, what we're finding with Christians is that it goes back to what you're originally said - we're supposed to be changed. I think in the church of America we have a lot of children by blood, but we have a lot of prodigal children, so we still have the habits of the hogs. And when we read this, it's talking about all of the habits of the hogs that we should be getting rid of that leads to conflict. Things like bitterness, things like anger, things like rage and slander and malice. I think if we look at the genealogy, it's all the spiritual issues that we never get up under the blood, so we still hang onto the habits of the hogs. We may be blood children, by blood adopted in, but he's pleading with us that we shouldn't be in conflict. We shouldn't be acting like this because we should be different people. And I think that's really where all conflict is birthed from - yes, it's family, it's cultural, but at the end of the day it's all spiritual.
Jon Simpson
So really specific, because you said that pretty quick, I just want to process that. You said the prodigal son went off to a distant land, he lived in rebellion and he ended up with the hogs. So you're saying he picked up habits there that were a result of his decision to rebel and to live in sin. And he was still a son, but you're saying that the kind of life he lived has consequences, or it has baggage to it that can be then brought into my Christian life. So what do you do? What's the answer to that?
Kiley Callaway
So if we look at Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and we see a lineage of the family - one son, one grandson, etc. But one thing about Abraham is he was a man of the altar, and I think that's where we as Christians have gotten away is death at the alter, something in us has to die. And I think even when we're with people and even if it's different personalities, I think what we have to do is listen, because like you said, I keep hearing the word, I've heard it three times now, attack, attack, attack. Anytime there's conflict we feel like it's attack, and our natural flesh tendency is to be defensive. And if we'll just learn how to let ourselves die in that moment and really listen to the person, I think we can have healthy resolution.
Tyson Lambertson
Right, it comes to our heart. And if we're lashing out and responding in negative ways or slandering, there's something wrong here. And I know that I've dealt with that, and I continue to deal with that. It's a daily surrender. It's a walk with the Lord.
